Friday, August 10, 2001

I am going to Jammu tommorow.
I have been asked to will all my property, handover all my customer accounts and even will my cell phone.
I have been asked to give a check for insurance before I reach Jammu.

A lot of my friends are so happy that they wont see me for a week and I reciprocate very well as usual.
But I am not without my apprehensions its still my life only but in someway I am kinda sure that all that is out there and will never reach me. Living in a protected and relatively peaceful environment where most of my tensions are about my clients getting coffee 10 minutes late when they visit my office.
And whether a peach colored shirtwas a right choice for a very conservative guy like me.
I have never seen the so called fabled "life".
Looking at the life that Kashmiris live all my problems seem trivial and non-existant when your target for today is staying alive.
Would a Kashmiri living on the edge everyday fare better in "civil" society where he has to solve problem like whether to wear a suit for a wedding or a Kurta? I donno.
Is my life more meaningful or his?
To me its a strange feeling to struggle and fight for problems that had no hand of yours in creating them or very little contribution taht you can make to solve them. Most of the problems that I grapple with are problem that I created or those that I can solve either by abstaining or taking them head on.
Neither is possible for these Kashmirirs. I hate to be a helpless situation where I am forced into something that I can do very little to solve.
But I really dont know whether i am looking forward to this visit. A part of me is scared but another part is very expectant.
Its like going into the "reality" of the so-called "Life", where you are more like a savage, struggling to survive not in a market but just to see another day? Dramatising things, so I thot as well, but not anymore.


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